i just want to say that ice is the best stuff in the world. and i'm not talking about the drug either in case you're wondering. i mean just plain old frozen water. i love it!!! absolutely calorie-free -- no, better than calorie free cause it actually forces you to burn calories -- and it fills you up too!

yay for ice!
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why i'm happy

ok, so yesterday didn't work out so well -- my brother came over (and i hate him with a passion but am scared of him so i can't tell him to go away) and i ate heaps of sushi and dinner and stuff. it was gross. however, i also feel heaps better today because of a few things:

* i'm not pregnant. i was really worried that i was cause i had unprotected sex (am on the pill but it doesn't seem to work at all for me), but now i have my period, and i have never been so happy to be in so much pain. which brings me to my next point,

* the more weight i lose, the more painful my periods are, so i've come to love how it hurts so much. plus, when i have my period, i don't get hungry at all. so i can start fasting and actually have some hope of succeeding. if i start when i'm not hungry, then by the time my period is finished, my body should have got used to not eating and i shouldn't get hungry for days and days!

* i have the most wonderful boyfriend in the whole world. not that this is something new -- i've been with him for two and a half years -- but sometimes it just hits me how lucky i am. i love him so much! and he is so understanding about my ED too.

* i see the psychiatrist in less than a week. even though i don't know if i want to get better at all, i am really glad i'm seeing him cause i am in such an emotional mess, crying all the time, wandering around the house not knowing what to do, panicking... so i'm looking forward to seeing someone who might be able to calm me down a bit.

anyway, gotta go take some painkillers!
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    happy happy

a new plan

ok, seeing as i've been really terrible lately with bingeing, i'm going to try something different. i'm going to write myself a diet plan, and STICK TO IT!

here we are:

breakfast: 1 piece of no-cal fruit (eg cucumber, lettuce etc) = 0

lunch: 1 small tub yoghurt = 196

dinner: half or less of what mum makes, or if she's not there, more fruit. = somewhere between 0 and 200

possible snack: 1 or 2 pieces of sushi = 50?

total = 196 - 446

that way i'll stay under 500 cal every day! and i'll exercise lots too. i REALLY want to lose weight!
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i am so angry at myself. i was going to make sure that by the time julian got back from his trip i would be soooo skinny. but instead i binge and eat horrible fatty food! why do i do that??? the really stupid thing is that most of the food i eat i don't even really like! for example, yesterday i ate all these monte carlo biscuits, which i really don't like. what the hell? i hate myself for doing that.

same with yesterday evening. i went to a birthday party and nobody would have forced me to eat dinner, but i did. i could have skipped the biggest meal of the day, but instead i ate a "normal" amount. and dessert. god, i hate this so much! i used to be able to go for ages with nothing at all. why can't i anymore?

well, this has to stop. today, i'll eat nothing till dinnertime, and then i'll only eat half of whatever mum makes. that is, if julian doesn't take me out for dinner. if he does, i'll order something low in fat, and eat only a bit of it. he's really understanding and won't make me eat lots. and i'll do a few hours exercise too. today i'm meeting julian to go to his house, and that means a 30 minute walk from the station to his house. plus i'll spend some time on the exercise bike... i want to try to burn twice the calories i eat today. now that mum's back at work i really have no excuses for eating during the day.

i have to do this, or i'll just hate myself forever.
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    crushed crushed


on the 22nd i see a psychiatrist. i hate to say it but i suspect julian (the bf) is right in saying it's only going to make things worse. i don't dare tell him though. it's a pride thing. but i can just see myself spending my time there talking about how much weight i want to lose and so on, and it will only make me more determined to get thinner.

when i went to the GP she said she could see that i'd lost weight. it was great to hear that. and she was clearly very worried when i said that once mum goes back to work i plan to skip breakfast and lunch every day of the week. before i said that i think she thought i didn't really have a serious problem at all, i was just another "wannarexic". i don't know what it is, but it feels great to know that people can tell i'm serious about this. it shows that i obviously am skinnier than normal.

the last few days i have eaten like a pig. on thursday after i saw the doctor mum took me out for lunch and ordered so much bad food for me. worst thing was that i was really hungry so i ate it all: 2 yugoslavian meat-filled pastry things, a piece of hazelnut cake and a cappucino. and then that evening we went to a friend's for dinner and ate roast lamb, cheese, chocolates... eeeewww! yesterday was bad too cause i ate rather a lot. not as much as thursday but still more than i would have been happy with. now julian is on my case about skipping meals. he wants me to eat three meals a day ("even if they're small"). but he has no idea about how long it takes to exercise off calories. he'll give me some cake or something and say, "just go for a walk later and burn it off". but a slice of cake is like 200 calories or something and i'd rather spend my exercise burning off previous weight that just staying even.

speaking of exercise, gotta go burn off the breakfast i didn't eat! :)
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    sad fat

double life

well, when i wrote my last entry i was so sure things would get better straight away. as it is, for some reason this "coming out" has only made me more determined to lose weight. yesterday i ate one plum, a small bowl of pasta and a tiny piece of quiche. today i ate a tiny bowl of cereal, one bite of a pancake, and a little bit of the roast that mum made. i still feel like i could have done better. much better. i wish there was no one around to make me eat, cause then i could just starve myself for days and days and see some real results instead of occasionally losing a kilo and then gaining it again later.

i asked julian to be completely honest with me and tell me exactly how he thinks i look in terms of my weight. he said i was sitting somewhere between skinny and very skinny, but not dangerously thin. that has added to my determination. i WILL be skinnier. by the time uni starts, i am going to weigh 40kg. at the same time though, everyone is trying to get me to eat more, so i'm going to have to work harder to pretend everything is ok. that might mean more purging which is really bad for you but if i'm forced to eat, and i can't exercise it all off, that's really my only option...

so from today i lead a double life. to all my friends, to my family and to my boyfriend, i am fine. i'm eating plenty. i'm not anorexic at all. i will wear baggier clothes to hide my bones, and i will find ways to make it look like i'm eating when i'm not. and to myself, i will be ruthless in my search for perfection. not a bite will touch my lips without being exercised off within the hour. i will NEVER eat any cake, biscuits etc, and i will NEVER finish a meal. if i don't manage that, i will deny myself the things that i enjoy most. i won't go out until i know that i've burned more calories than i've eaten that day. i must be strong.

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a new leaf?

i told my mum about what's going on for me. i wan't going to but last night after i ate dinner i had a HUGE panic attack and if i hadn't promised to my boyfriend i wouldn't make myself throw up, i would have. anyway, i was really scared. it was like i could feel the fat from dinner just seeping into me, invading my body, it was seriously scary. and then i looked at myself. bf was telling me to calm down, look at myself, reminding me that i'm not actually fat, and what do i see? these huge fat limbs that don't even look like my own. it's like i was hullucinating or something. i was so disgusted... anyway, so i told her, and she was really good about it (of course) and didn't get angry or anything, saying that when the doctor gets back from her holiday we'll go talk to her. i'm in two minds about it all though. anyone with anorexia would know how it feels to sort of want to get better, but be frightened by the thought of gaining weight/eating more. so really, this "recovery" if you can call it that, is going to be extremely difficult.
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    scared scared


ok. this is just for all my talk about food, fasting, weight-loss etc. i want to lose weight. i know it's unhealthy, but i can't change it. there is something driving me, something that makes me want to be so thin that people in the street stop and stare. i am 168cm tall (5'6") and at the moment i weigh 49kilos. i am hoping that by the time i start uni in march i will have lost those nine kilos and will be a beautiful 40 (that's 88lbs i think). anyway, that's me in terms of my condition, if you will. the rest of me will become apparent sooner or later.
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